What a Woman Could Do

What could a woman do today that would serve her, her family and her community all in one fell swoop? She could put herself first. To put herself first would mean that her actions would be dictated by her dreams and desires, not by expectations of the world at large. That’s not to say that they don’t overlap. They often do. Most human beings want to be of service and while serving others is fulfilling, it only feels good when it’s coming from a place of choosing to serve, not when it’s demanded, assumed or expected from others. 

I don’t know one woman in my life who would leave someone bleeding on their doorstep or leave a child to wait by themselves in a parking lot after school.  Our actions and choices are obvious in those circumstances. The problems arise when we know that  our well-being depends on going for that walk, reading that book or having more unscheduled time and yet we choose everything else to come before our own well-being. 

What if you did those things first that make you happy? It would mean that you go for that walk or sit with that cup of tea  and then everything else comes AFTER that. 

My dear friend has been in a funk for weeks feeling uncomfortable and “off”. She wanted to add more exercise and movement into her day. In fact, she was desperate for it. She knew that she would feel better physically and mentally. But she kept CHOOSING EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE ELSE first. 

It was the groceries, cleaning her father’s house and working the extra hours that she did first and therefore eliminated all the things that she wanted to do for herself. 

Here’s what would happen if she chose otherwise. She would get out of work on time not because she finished everything that someone asked her to do but because she chose to leave on time. She would take the walk that she wanted to take and then she would realize that she doesn’t have time to go to the grocery store. Notice that her problem now is how to get her groceries and is no longer  how to find time for a walk. Did she exchange one problem for another? Yes. But the problem is no longer how to take care of herself. 

There are grocery store delivery services, there are other people living in the house that could share the burden and a hundred other creative ways to get food. Trying to fit in your grocery shopping is a good problem to have. What is a bad problem to have? Feeling uncomfortable in one’s clothes and feeling frustrated and sometimes even resentful and not knowing why. Go for the FUCKING WALK FIRST. Your well-being comes FIRST. Then everything else fits in around it. Trust me. I’ve done it both ways. It’s amazing how creative I could be when I put my own well-being first. 

How else do we put ourselves first? Saying no to a request when our bodies tell us that it is a clear no. Ignoring those messages from our bodies costs us a lot. It shows up as pain, high blood pressure, headaches and immune issues. Are there physical causes? Yes, of course. I’ve been in the healthcare industry for over 25 years. There are measurable labs and tests. But we can no longer ignore the ramifications of putting ourselves last.

And why do we keep abandoning ourselves? Because it feels safer. Our nervous systems are wired to keep us safe. Pleasing others and ignoring our own impulses frequently kept us safe. This is true especially if we were sensitive and easily picked up on others’ displeasure with our behavior. 

So how do we get to the point where we can comfortably walk our own path without worry or concern? Well first of all  it’s worth noting that we will never be without worry or concern. That’s part of being human. But we can certainly decrease our sensitivity to others’ moods and judgements a little bit at a time and we can get more  comfortable with our choices even if our choices disappoint others.

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