How Asking 4 Questions Can Change Your Mood

Questioning our thoughts can put an end to unnecessary suffering and change our perspectives. 

The older I get the more I realize that my suffering and distress is caused by my own thinking. However, even having the knowledge of this does not stop me from living inside my stressful thoughts. I often forget to be stay present and I need frequent reminders to become aware of what I’m thinking and believing. One of my favorite practices for this is “The Work” by Byron Katie. 

“It’s not the problem that causes our suffering:it’s our thinking about the problem” Byron Katie

I was introduced to The Work over 10 years ago. At the time, although I found it helpful, I skimmed through the book and took shortcuts before understanding the principles. I didn’t get as much out of it as I could. This past summer, I revisited The Work by rereading Loving What is by Byron Katie and it has been incredibly helpful in creating peace in my life.

The Work consists of 4 questions that, when applied to a specific problem or circumstance, enables a person to see their “problem”  or “situation” with an entirely new perspective.

The book itself contains transcripts of people doing The Work with Katie on many different topics (divorce, death, parent/child relationships, trauma). It also contains the step by step process of The Work that you can take yourself through. The process is powerful and when followed, can create breakthroughs and new perspectives.

Judge to your hearts content!

The best way to do The Work is to follow the process in the book which starts by filling out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet. This is the best place to begin.

You are not only allowed to  judge during the process but encouraged. I mean finger pointing and uncensored blaming! It’s great!  You can start by taking a person that is causing you anger, sadness or annoyance, and have at it! The worksheet will walk you through all the ways that you want this person to behave differently.

If you are a friend or family member, I've probably created a story about you.

It has been by judging others, that I have  started to see what I really think and believe. It has been one of the  easiest ways for me to see how I create “stories” and how I lean right into them. I completed many worksheets about other people and every single time, I was able to see the pain that I caused myself. 

I got pretty good at it before moving on to the next part of the book which is when we can investigate our judgements and beliefs about issues like money, health, climate-change, self-criticism, etc.

As I said earlier, when I first learned the work I took shortcuts and although I gained valuable insight, it wasn’t nearly as powerful as when I really took on the process and worked it the way she intended.

Loving What Is  is a quick and easy read as it has many transcripts and examples and it is the most comprehensive way to use the process of The Work.

But if you want to jump right in, you can go to the website www.thework.com  On that home page you can click on How To Do The Work which will take you through the process of filling out the worksheet and using the 4 questions.

However, although you don’t have to, I suggest that on the page of How To Do The Work, you scroll down towards the bottom of the page and download “The Little Book” which is a VERY condensed version of the book Loving What Is and will put things into context prior to filling out the sheets. 

And as the book says, “Allow yourself to be as judgmental and petty as you really feel. Don’t try to be “spiritual” or “kind”. The pettier we can be when writing, the more likely it is that we’ll benefit from The Work."

My Own Embarrassing Example

Below, I've written a real example of something that was making me really uncomfortable. I already had the practice of using The Work while judging others and had moved on to the second part of the book when I could question a belief.

Here’s how I used The Work on a certain belief that I had about my career. I was feeling self conscious and “off”.

I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling so insecure so I wrote in my journal for about 5-10 minutes. Just until I could figure out what was really bothering me. These are the things that I actually wrote in my journal as I was creating my website. 

BELIEF:”people will be embarrassed for me" 

When I realized that I wanted to transition from physical therapy to wellness coaching, and focus on the emotional aspects of healing instead of just the physical,I was afraid to tell people. I was so hesitant to say the word “emotions”  Ridiculous. Nevertheless, I was afraid. My belief was “people will be embarrassed for me”

Now I apply the 4 questions.

Is It True? (this can only be “yes” or “no”. That’s it)

“People will be embarrassed for me” Is it true? Yes. They will be. Too woo woo for these parts. This isn’t Vermont or California. It’s the Boston area. It will make them uncomfortable and they won’t take me seriously. 

Is it absolutely true? (this can only be “yes” or “no”)

Hmmm. Well, I suppose I’m not a mind reader. Unless I crawl inside someone’s head I can’t really know what they are thinking. Even if they say the words “I'm embarrassed for you”, I can’t technically know if they are being 100% truthful. Maybe they’re embarrassed of their own emotions . So if I have to give only “yes” or “no” then it has to be a “no” because I can’t technically know if it’s absolutely true. 

How do I react, what happens when I believe that thought? 

How do I feel when I believe the thought “they will be embarrassed for me?” Good God I contract because I don’t want to be rejected. I feel a heaviness in my chest. I feel so uncomfortable with the thought of making someone else uncomfortable.

I also feel stifled, restrained and hemmed in. I feel completely out of integrity because it’s information that I am passionate about and I know that it helps others. I don’t want to only focus on the physical because I feel like a fraud. It’s a horrible tug of war. 

Who would I be without the thought?

Who would I be without the thought “people will be embarrassed for me”? Oh Lord, I would feel so much lighter. I would just simply share what I thought was helpful to others. It would be so easy because it would just come from the heart.

I wouldn’t try to make it more palatable for others. I’d stop looking for approval, and I would just look to see if it helped or not.  My work would be easier.

Turnarounds

Then the 3 turnarounds. This is when I turn the thought around and find an opposite statement that COULD be as true or truer than the original thought.These “opposite thoughts” are things to try on.

They might not resonate so don’t force them but they are very interesting to ponder and I’ve found the process to be very helpful to loosen up my perspective and belief. Truly it is its own form of meditation. 

Original thought:”people will be embarrassed for me” 

Turnaround 1: “People won’t be embarrassed for me”. I tend to attract patients and clients who are very open minded. They tend to be quite flexible and willing to learn new approaches. I tend to vomit too much information on people but they always manage to find the pearls that resonate with them. Even if they disregard the rest of the info, they manage to hold on to what resonates with them and make it work for their situation. Isn’t that what I would want for them anyway? 

Turnaround 2:”I’ll be embarrassed for people”. Can I sit with their vulnerability? Can I sit with their fears, shame and resentments? Can I sit without judgment when they cry from sheer exhaustion or self-pity? Turns out I was worried about this and didn’t admit it to myself. Emotions are messy and I’m not a social worker. Turned out I could sit just fine with others’ emotions but I was glad to look at this before sitting with others so I could stay aware.

Turnaround 3:”I’ll be embarrassed of me”. Oh boy, what a doozy. I DO get embarrassed of my own emotions sometimes.  I don’t want to be one of those people who can’t manage her emotions and behaviors. I get squirrely with vulnerability and being too woo-woo. Also, not being “scientific” enough and looking unprofessional is always a concern for the conscientious healthcare professional. 

I did have to use The Work on this particular subject a few times but each time I did it, I gained more insight on my beliefs and how they were holding me back.

At first it was a watered down version of itself as I wrote the belief “I’m worried about what people think”. But that wasn’t quite accurate.

Then it was “people won’t take me seriously” but that wasn’t quite right either. It wasn’t until I found the truly gross feeling of “fear of people being embarrassed for me” that I felt the “ding, ding, ding” of putting my finger on it.  

This process has brought me much peace in many areas of my life. It’s become a go-to when I have any kind of uncomfortable emotion or belief. It's to the point now that I'm actually laughing by the time I'm done with the process. I really do try to remember the old Buddhist saying "pain is inevitable, suffering is optional"

If this information resonates with you, please share with someone you love.